"Although I say the Nembutsu, I rarely experience joyful happiness, nor do I have the desire to immediately go to the Pure Land. What should be done about this," I asked. Then he responded, "I, Shinran, have been having the same question also, and now you, Yui-en, have the same thought....."

                                                         

                                 --Tannisho, Chapter IX

 

On reading Tannisho, Chapter IX, I deeply reflect on great compassion of Amida and my deep foolish true self which I am and expert in disguising. Regardless of my ingrained karmic evil, cultivated and nourished over many kalpas, I recognize that the Primal Vow was directed to me alone. I know this sounds like Shinran's own words but I can't help it. This thought is the real outcome of this reading. Despite of myself, Great Compassion has been trying to wake me up for eons. Yes, even knowing this, I acknowledge that I don't rejoice every moment regarding the thought of the Nembutsu or the even Pure Land. I suppose I'm like Yien-bo. I see them as just like any other basic reality, for instance, the moon, the ground I walk on or the air I breathe. I take them for granted. Doesn't everybody?  In the heat of things often I completely forget about them and become simply enflamed by the attractions and aversions of the moment. Often the thought of birth in the Pure Land is of no concern of mine. Its as foreign to me as imagining myself being a one cell animal. 

 

However, there are lucid moments when I feel a deep sense of gratitude for Amida's great accomplishment on my behalf but these moments as truly rare. How foolish I am, I suppose. Eternal salvation and life are offered to me free but I feel like I haven't won anything. I would feel more excitement if I won the $10,000,000 Power Ball. I realize that so much of my life is consumed by my blind passions. Yet, Shinran voice echoes through these pages of the Tannisho, exclaiming that it is o.k. and normal to feel this way. I have nothing to fear. The Primal Vow is completely dependable and on target.

 

Moreover, these debased thoughts are totally normal. I'm normal! Despite my foolishness and spiritual blindness, Amida grants me the vehicle of the Primal Vow to go home. He opens the door for me and he drives me right into the garage. I just need to allow myself to get into his car. Or maybe its really him pushing me into cockpit while I kicking and screaming in resistance. This is the true meaning of Great Compassion.